of oddities

you know there’s something terribly wrong when you are handwriting notes and you find yourself making typos… O_o

of the hidden things in life

I hate it when sometimes the sadness that I don’t acknowledge or push away into the dark corners of my mind rises up, rebelling, wanting to be heard – to be let out. It’s then that I become emotionally unstable, much to my dismay. Mostly though, it’s triggered by something that I read or watch. I get this tightness in the chest, a pain in the heart and my eyes respond with salty tears. This month has been especially bad, it’s hit me hard, as if making up for the times that it’s been absent.

No matter how much I cry, it still persists – leaving me feel wrung out, worn out, and unbearably sad. Sometimes, it leaves me empty, like the dry husk of a cicada.

I know that I am lucky, so very lucky to have what I do, so why do I feel this way?

Sometimes when I know that I’ve become emotionally unstable, I disconnect from everything and just read, anything that won’t interact with others. I go quiet, brooding, memories that I keep in a box under lock and key seem to find a way to escape and torment me. Questions and “could have”s and “should have”s tear at me relentlessly… They are my lessons in life, but I’ve always been a lazy student – how many times has it repeated for me to learn? How many times will it repeat until I’ve learnt it?

It’s times like these that I look back on all the things that I’ve done that I’m not proud of, that has happened that have hurt me. It rises unbidden like the haze from hot bitumen heated by the summer sun, one by one. I cringe at the few things that I regret, but if given the chance to change them I probably would not. Those choices, poor or not, have made me the person I am today… and I can’t imagine another me.

One of the few things that gets me through this is the thought that, like everything else, it shall pass.